scribbles

Tied up and knotted

I used to be very sure of myself. My life was under control and I was happy living it organized and predicted. I had no time of immature love stories, like the sort they have on television. Maybe that’s why I didn’t believe in you. To me, love was a superficial pastime that was meant for fools who believed in destiny and true devotion. Call me cynical, sarcastic….whatever, but that was me, and I liked my hair tied up and knotted.

Your face….it was hopeful yet growing with disappointment as each minute passed by as you stood outside in the pouring rain in front of my house. I di not let myself feel any empathy because that was what you wanted me to feel. I asked my mother to lie and conjure up excuses every time you called, because I didn’t want to hear your voice, in fear of what it might do to me. I stood by the window and mouthed words of discouragement so that you’d go away but still you did not listen. Your persistence…it scared me even more, but I wasn’t about to give in, I wasn’t going to let myself lose this war.

Yes war is how I saw it. You were trying to take away everything I had known and believed, you were snatching the ground beneath my feet. I was furious with my mother for giving in. She fell for your sappy chivalry by bring you that hot tea in the rain. I tried to figure you out; maybe you were doing this for charity or money or maybe as a dare prompted by a friend. I didn’t actually think your motive would be love. I looked harder into your eyes but each time I looked it felt as if I had been turned upside down. Every time I stared into them I lost more control and more of the group I stood on. I tried to replace that feeling of fear and uncertainty by anger and hatred, because that’s what I wanted to feel, especially towards you.

Hating you did not work because….because I had lost all control from the moment you looked up at me. I lost all control of my emotions and I stated feelings things I had never felt; or wanted to feel before. I started to hate myself for falling into your trap.

With more curiosity than strength I decided to talk to you. I wasn’t about to let you run my life and emotions forever. I was going to confront you and your silly infatuation and tell you toe leave me alone once and for all. But alas, all the confidence I had built up on the other side of the door, vanished as I saw you, the rain cascading down your face. Your hair, dishevelled and wet hung over your eyes, like a mask hiding your feelings. With a deep breath, I stepped into the late afternoon rain, my hair let down, flowing in loose waves.